OK people let’s face it, barring some catastrophe in 2012 Barack Obama will be reelected President of the United States. The reason is clear to everyone except the Republican Party. The candidates for president on the Republican side are way too strange and way to evil to be elected. Other than Ron Paul (who for the purposes of this article I will barely address) the only things that Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum have in common, other than all of them being thrown out of office by the voters or their peers, is that they are all very very very strange.
Lets have some fun going through why each candidate will not be President.
Newt Gingrich: It is hard for me to say that Newt Gingrich cannot be President because I like Gingrich. He has some good ideas and he truly believes that America can be a great country again. Unfortunately his positive attributes pretty much stop there. Gingrich has cheated on not one but two wives, and even was having extramarital affairs while dragging the country through blowjobgate in the 90’s. I don’t want to hear about how it wasn’t about the blow job it was about the lying, but hey wake up all politicians lie and at the time…it was about the blow job. Newt also tends to jump on board with a lot of big ideas without thinking through their consequences. We all like to hear that Gingrich wants to colonize the moon, send spaceships to Mars and send Captain Kirk to meet Luke Skywalker on Alderon. The problem is that he winds up sounding exactly how one sounds when they suggest such things…like a buffoon. We all want to restore American dominance to space and to rebuild our high tech economy, but with 8.4% unemployment and more than $15 trillion dollars in debt can we be a little more realistic. Tell me how you will address entitlements and healthcare not space, and please stop saying “don’t worry the private sector will take care of it” they won’t, they can’t, next moron please.
Rick Santorum: I do not even understand what possessed Rick Santorum to run for President. He was a Senator from Pennsylvania who lost reelection by one of the highest margins in history. Then he took a while off and decided, “hey I think I would be a great President”. Of course he wants to ban abortion even if the mother is raped, thinks that you can pray the gay away and actually thinks that you should make the presidency about moral character. Is it possible Santorum could get the nomination? Hey who would have thought that if you type Santorum into Google the first result is a description of Santorum as fecal matter and lube? If he does win the nomination, Obama beats him by more than 15 points.
Mitt Romney: Oh Mitt, I save the best for you. Oh the hundreds of reasons you should not be President, I mean of the Boy Scouts let alone the country. You are truly the John Kerry of 2012. You have no real political accomplishments to speak of, other that signing a bill IDENTICAL to Obamacare in Massachusetts (BTW it is really fun to hear you talk about how that was a good bill because it was for Massachusetts but for the whole country it is an abomination). You served one term as governor of Massachusetts before the voters chucked you out. Now for some reason, your one claim to the Presidency is that before you were governor of Massachusetts you managed to make a ton of money in venture capital. Wow, talk about the disease disguising itself as the cure. Mitt, you paid less than 20% of your income in taxes last year (15.3%) and claim that one of your top priorities is to make sure to cut capital gains more because when you cut taxes rich people create jobs. You had a 15% tax rate for years now, so show us the jobs? Show me a list of companies you started with your fortune since leaving Bain Capital, show me how making you richer than 99% of the country means you should pay less than all of us because you are a job creator as you have managed to cut jobs! We know you don’t care about the poor Mitt, you don’t have to say it. We know you don’t know how much money you make because as soon as the bank statement said “giant shit pie of money” you stopped caring how much it said.
No Mitt, you are the definition of what is wrong with this country. You think that just because you are a rich snob you can run a country of not rich snobs and convince them that if they do whatever you do they have a chance of becoming rich snobs themselves. Speaking for like minded Republicans Mitt, the only reason I want you to get the nomination is to watch Obama Fillet you during the campaign. I want to be able to tell my kids that when a disgusting jerk like you thought you could buy the presidency by claiming to be smarter than everyone else, that one of the most inexperienced and disliked presidents among Republicans will butcher you on national television and show the entire world that you are the opposite of what America stands for.
The one issue for all of you Republicans right now is you don’t need me to point this out, you don’t need to even go up against Obama. The three of you are doing a perfectly good job of making fools out of yourselves on national television. You think that digging up every bad detail about each other and attacking each other is good because it will help you win the nomination. But once you win it you need to go up against Obama who will use every piece of ammo you give him come November.
Until then enjoy eating your young.