E. Jean Carroll's Legal Team Prepared to Seize 'Golden Toilet' from Trump Tower

In a surprising turn of events, former President Donald Trump has managed to evade a potentially embarrassing situation in his New York civil defamation trial. E. Jean Carroll, the woman he was found liable for defaming, expressed her relief and amusement in response to the news.

This week, Trump obtained a $91.6 million bond for his civil defamation lawsuit in New York. Delighted E. Jean Carroll responded on her Substack on Friday, expressing gratitude to her attorney Robbie Kaplan for his brilliantly illustrated response to the news that Trump had paid the money that a federal judge had ordered him to. "Though the illustrious Robbie Kaplan...is strong enough to yank a golden toilet out of the floor at Trump Tower and toss it through the window," Carroll stated, "this bond saves Robbie the trouble of showing up with US Marshals on Monday to do so."

No records indicate the former president owns a golden toilet, despite his penchant for gold (he would need to sell more than 200,000 pairs of his $399 golden sneakers to cover Carroll's $83.3 million claim). When Trump was at the White House, the closest he got to such a seat was the one provided by the Guggenheim Museum in place of a desired Van Gogh. "What else can you give a man who regularly boasts he has everything and whose New York home boasts gold ceilings, golden plant pots, and a gold lift?" Back then, the Guardian wrote. "A golden toilet might seem like the ultimate homage." Carroll's statement caused her readers to celebrate even though they knew that the only golden head on Trump's shoulders is the one that rests atop his shoulders.

They even celebrated in the comments area. "I am twirling around my living room shouting 'hell yes!' which is scaring the cats and probably my half-deaf downstairs neighbor who can’t speak English," said Jena Ball. "I don’t care! All I want to know is where to meet you for a hug and a celebratory dance!" "I'm thrilled for you, and for America," Ruth Ann Harnisch continued. "Your willingness to put yourself through these many years of unnecessary _____ is a gift to the country, and to every woman who has not been in a position to seek the justice you have been told by the courts you deserve." "The unsinkable E. Jean Carroll has laid claim to a pirate’s ransom from Trump’s treasure chest," exclaimed Gloria Horton-Young, "to stave off the veritable legal Valkyrie, the indomitable Robbie Kaplan, whose sheer force of legal prowess is rumored to be capable of extracting gilt toilets from their very plumbing with nothing but the Law and her bare hands," as per Raw Story.