America, Let’s Be Grateful We Don’t Have World Leaders Who Blame Spider-Man For Our Problems
It has been a busy week for world leaders blaming everyone but themselves for their problems. Iran says that Israel is the source of all woe, Syria is whining that it’s going to take time and cost real money to break down their chemical weapons stash, and Venezuela thinks that Spider-Man is behind the wave of violence plaguing the country.
Spider-Man. Friendly-Neighborhood Spider-Man.
Look, we get it. There are a lot of problems in the world right now. Heck, we have so many problems just here in America that we can’t seem to figure out who caused them and who has made them worse through the deeply partisan rhetoric.
In fact, right this instant there’s a huge debate going on in our nation’s capital about whether or not to shut down the entire federal government because the Affordable Care Act (our controversial public health legislation, we’re a bit behind) was sloppily thrown together and haphazardly funded, which is the fault of the GOP who are trying to stop it because the Democrats had to force it through Congress during President Obama’s first term, and nowthedebtceilinghastogoup because we can’t balance our checkbook and so let’s just gut good social service programs to solve our problem and on, and on, and on, and on.
See what I mean about the rhetoric? And that’s still not counting all of the problems out there in the world that we’ve managed to get ourselves wrapped up in. Pakistan, Egypt, Syria, *HNNNNNNG*.
But you know what? Thank God we live in America. Not because we have freedoms, fast food, more porn than we know what to do with, and the iPhone 7… but because no matter how stupid and frustrating our politicians are, they:
- Don’t blame a neighboring country for our own glaring human rights abuses
- Don’t complain about the burden of destroying chemical weapons they just used on us last week.
- Don’t blame Spider-Man.
Because No. 1 is what…
… Hassan Rouhani, Iran’s new president, is doing. Some are saying that his recent interview with NBC News is a sign that Iran is finally cooling off after decades of tense negotiations with the West. Heck, he even said that Iran isn’t planning on developing nuclear weapons, and we have no reason not to believe him because we’ve never heard that before from an Iranian leader.
Still, though Rouhani optimistically called his comments “subtle and tiny steps for a very important future,” with the West, communication is probably going to break down yet again when it comes to the U.S.’ strongest, and really our sole consistent ally in the Middle East, Israel.
Israel, a country that Rouhani really doesn’t care for.
If you watch Rouhani’s interview, it’s nothing but vague and ambiguous intelligent-sounding platitudes, hence why many in the mainstream media haven’t really batted an eye at it (because that’s how President Obama talks), but we have to give props to Ann Curry, who pressed the Iran prez on the issue of Israel.
Though he led with an admirable “We are seeking peace and stability among all the nations in the region,” he resorted to describing Israel as “an occupier and usurper government” that “does injustice to the people of the region, and has brought instability to the region, with its warmongering policies,” and describing Bibi (Netanyahu) a “wolf in sheep’s clothing.”
Though he touted Iran as a country that believes “in the ballot box,” he said that Israel should STFU about “a democratically and freely elected government” without a hint of irony.
Moving on…
No. 2 is what…
… Syria’s president, Bashar Assad, is griping about. Even though Russian President Vladimir Putin swooped in shirtless on horseback at the last minute to prevent trigger-happy United States from wiping Syria’s chemical weapon stockpile off the map like a blob of ketchup, Assad is not happy to have inherited such a pricey, time-consuming chore.
In an interview with Fox News conducted by former U.S. Rep. Dennis Kucinich, Assad maintained that the chemical attack that killed 1,400 Syrians was conducted by terrorists, but he’s more than happy to destroy his own chemical weapon stockpile on Russia’s advice. He was especially clear of that. He’s only doing it because Russia just randomly said “Hey, why don’t you destroy your chemical weapons?” It had nothing to do with the U.S.’ giant, drone-shaped ketchup-removing thumb. Not at all.
Yeah, it doesn’t add up. But even if we take him at his word, Assad still complained that destroying his chemical weapon stockpile, which again, he agreed to do out of charity, not because he’s being pressured, is going to cost over $1 billion, and could take up to a year to accomplish. What a headache.
But not nearly as bad as the headache brought on by sarin gas (followed by uncontrollable muscle spasms and suffocation), which both the U.S. and the UN are pretty damn convinced was dropped on 1,400 innocent Syrians by Assad himself.
Side note: Grow a real mustache or don’t even try, dude.
No. 3 is what…
… Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro is arguing. Sure, his predecessor Hugo Chavez made his own fair share or bizarre claims during his tenure, but we’re pretty sure El Commandante never blamed a fictional superhero for his problems.
Particularly, Venezuela is seeing a spike in violence lately, especially among the nation’s youth. According to Maduro, this all has to do with superhero idolization.
“This kid, at 14 years old, carries a 9mm with a mind filled by thousands of hours of shows where people are killed,” he said. “I start to think how many thousands of hours of violence that kid will have consumed, in the end, stimulated by consumerism and violence when he grabs a 9 mm and goes to kill.”
And this all dawned on him after he had a movie date at home with his wife this week. The film? Spider-Man 3.
“That’s the trouble, from the beginning until the end there are more and more dead. And that’s one of the series small children love most… because it’s attractive, it’s from comics that are attractive, the figure, the colors and movements… so much so that we finished watching it at four in the morning.”
So yeah. Things in America suck right now, and our leaders seem confused, immature and kind of stupid. But at least they don’t blame Spider-Man for our problems.
