Tim Lake would really like his K-Cup coffee pods and an ice cube tray back. Sort of.
Lake, of Arcadia, Arizona, had an Amazon package stolen off his porch by a random thief not too long ago. A security camera captured images of this package pilferer, and Lake decided to launch a tongue-in-cheek manhunt for her.
He lays on the sarcasm pretty heavy in flyers posted about the thief, and noted to a local news outlet that the contents of the package she stole were only worth about $20. He seems to be having fun more than anything else with notices that read:
“On Friday, the second day of August in the year of our Lord 2013, I was suddenly and deliberately robbed by an unknown assailant,” the poster reads.
Posters describe the robber as “female-ish”, possessing eyes “lacking a soul” and approximately “600 pounds.” She stands about “Yay high,” and sports a “cheesy blonde dye job.”
He has also set up an email address for tips at [email protected]. Lake says that he still thinks AOL is “kind of cool.”
And if he saw his thief on the street, he knows exactly what he would say to her.
“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. But I will look for you. I will find you, and I will convict you,” he said, paraphrasing a line from Taken .
You can watch Tim Lake’s hilarious interview above, and see his “beware” poster below. This dude needs his own show, seriously.