March 5, 2017
'SNL': Jeff Sessions Fist Bumps With Shirtless Putin, Eats Minny's 'S**t Pie'

Saturday Night Live's cold open on March 4 did not feature Alec Baldwin in his familiar role as the irascible President Trump. It also did not feature Melissa McCarthy as the combative White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer. Rather, it took inspiration from Forrest Gump, Robert Zemerick's Oscar-winning 1994 movie.

And instead of actor Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump, we were introduced to Kate McKinnon, 33, as the embattled Attorney General Jeff Sessions, 70, who introduced himself to random strangers at the bus stop and shared his recent troubling experiences in government.

"Hello, my name's Jeff, Jeff Sessions," said Kate McKinnon's Sessions, dressed as Gump, sitting on a bench at the bus stop, with a box of chocolates, Gump-style. "I'm the attorney general of the whole United States."

McKinnon's Sessions, with a pronounced Southern drawl, introduced himself to a woman (Leslie Jones) who sat beside him at the bus stop.

"He shook my hand like this," Sessions said, demonstrating President Donald Trump's prolonged and needlessly energetic handshake.

McKinnon, as the former Alabama Senator, then whipped out a photograph of his "best good friend," the counselor to the president, Kellyanne Conway.

The photograph showed Conway kneeling on an Oval Office couch during Trump's meeting, earlier this week, with representatives from historically black colleges.

"She [Conway] ain't got any legs," Sessions said, echoing a line from the movie where Gump tells a companion that his friend Lieutenant Dan has no legs due to an injury from the Vietnam War.

"We're about as close as peas and carrots," Sessions continued about Conway. "She's the best talker you've ever heard. They say she could sell stink to a skunk."

"I always say life is like a box of chocolates. Sure are a lot of brown ones in there," Sessions said, once again echoing a famous line from Forrest Gump. But many viewers immediately interpreted the reference to "brown ones" in the context of the Trump administration's aggressive deportation policy.

The first stranger at the bus stop left, and another arrived and sat next to Sessions.

This time, Sessions began talking about his recent troubles in Washington, specifically last week's revelation by the Washington Post that he had lied under oath during confirmation hearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee by concealing the fact that he had met with the Russian ambassador to the U.S. on two separate occasions during the election campaign period.

"I was on the cover of the New York Times. You wanna see?" Sessions asked.

"It says you might have committed perjury," the stranger observed.

"Yeah, I had a bad week," Sessions admitted. "[But it] started out real good."

"The president made a great speech," he said, in reference to Trump's address to a joint Session of Congress. "Folks were thrilled on account of it. We was all as happy as a monkey with a peanut machine. Then I want to bed, I got 800 messages and phone alerts, saying I was a sneaky little liar. I didn't know what to do. So my lawyer said, run, Jeffrey run! I started running, and running. I ended all the way sitting at this bus stop with you."
"This all began with a congressional hearing," he continued. "A Senator from up north started asking me all these questions about Russia and if I ever talk to them. I got so nervous. So I said 'no, I've never talked to any Russians ever and that's all I've got to say about that.'"

But he admitted to the next person at the bus stop that "I've talked to the Russians."

Later, he told another stranger that he was under pressure to prove that he has no ties with the Russians, but soon after that, Beck Bennet, as shirtless President Vladimir Putin, appeared and sat beside him.

The two bumped fists casually, showing that they knew each other very well.

"This meeting never happened," Putin said

"I wasn't gonna remember it anyway," Sessions replied conspiratorially.

The weeks' SNL host, actress Octavia Spencer, 46, also came to the bus stop. The actress, nominated for an Oscar for her role in last year's Hidden Figures, play her role as Minny Jackson in the 2011 film, The Help.

Spencer sat beside Kate McKinnon as Sessions, appearing to be sympathetic. But she had a very dirty trick to play on Sessions.

"I'm Minny. You don't know me. I'm from a different movie," Spencer said. After a brief conversation, she gave Sessions Minny's famous "sh*t pie" from The Help. The pie, laced treacherously with poo, looked outwardly like a delicious chocolate pie.

But Sessions seemed to enjoy eating the pie and shockingly could not tell the difference between that and chocolate cake.

The show later poked fun at congressional Republicans with a fake movie trailer for a film about a heroic but fictional Republican who had the courage to stand up to President Trump despite the consequences to his political career.

[Featured Image by Susan Walsh/AP Images]