Texas Secession Petition Mocked By Austin Chronicle: We’ll Send A Prius Down To Pick You Guys Up!

Commentary | The Texas secession movement has been one of the larger news stories in this post-election news cycle, with the Lone Star State drawing controversy following an online petition signed by Texans wishing to secede from the Union.

The Texas secession movement is perhaps the most vocal product of the Crybaby Caucus, but, due to an overabundance of patience on the part of the White House, the Obama administration could be forced to acknowledge this idiocy.

The Texas secession movement may be perpetuated by those with little depth of understanding for history and what was the most dire, divisive and heartbreaking time in our history — when in a house divided, brother stood against brother in a war that had no foreign casualty. And in its wake, three percent of America’s population lay dead, legions more wounded, bankrupted and destroyed by a segment of the population committed to arresting the inevitable progression of human rights and decency in the United States.

Sound familiar? Of course, through a historical lens the war still deemed the “War of Northern Aggression” to our embarrassment in 2012 looks to most a shameful blip in America’s shining past, a relic of a time where some of us were willing to fight to the death for the right to subjugate others and deny basic rights to a portion of the population.

But perhaps not to the 70,000 plus historically-impaired signees of the Texas secession petition, notably not all from Texas. And Texas is not alone in its secession designs — 22 states have been the subject of similar petitions in the election’s fallout — but the movement has somehow stuck to Texas more effectively than in other jurisdictions.

Not all in the Lone Star State have embraced the ridiculous suggestion America divide over the fact that a Democrat was able to secure a higher number of votes in a free and open election in what can only be described as the will of the majority of American voters, however, both electorally and in the popular vote.

The Austin Chronicle is one notable Texan dissenter, with an op-ed in the liberal outpost’s paper mocking the Texas secession petition written by Richard Whittaker. In it, he opines:

“[The Texas secession petition is] obviously embarrassing stuff for establishment Republicans, who only like playing footsie with the crazies when there’s an election drawing near. GOP consultant Matt Mackowiak recently Tweeted (and then seemingly deleted)?, ‘Please stop the Texas secession updates. Not helpful, newsworthy, clever or meaningful.’ (To which Dem strategist Jason Stanford acidly replied, ‘What I thought about Birthers.'”

Whittaker adds:

“PS OH in the newsroom: One staff wag suggested that the end result of this petition drive would be the Not Really United States of **** Off in the South and the United States of Democracy and Reason everywhere else.”

While the Texas secession petition would ideally be dismissed as the ramblings of those online who also believe that fossils are a liberal lie planted in the Earth to undermine Jesus and that Obamacare is an irrevocable step toward Communism, mainstream politicians have expressed support.

In a now deleted Facebook diatribe, Peter Morrison, Hardin County Republican Party treasurer, blasted the “maggots” who cast a vote for Obama and fumed:

“We must contest every single inch of ground and delay the baby-murdering, tax-raising socialists at every opportunity. But in due time, the maggots will have eaten every morsel of flesh off of the rotting corpse of the Republic, and therein lies our opportunity.”

Morrison added:

“Why should Vermont and Texas live under the same government? Let each go her own way in peace, sign a free trade agreement among the states and we can avoid this gut-wrenching spectacle every four years.”

Here we shall note that Texas receives back $1.51 of every dollar paid in back from the government, versus $1.09 for those commies in Vermont.

Realistically, the Texas secession petition will obviously go nowhere. Far from a pre-war South, Texans are far too comfortable with their SUVs and Walmart trips and cushy McMansions to mount anything resembling an armed insurrection, and it’s silly to consider this anything other than an idle internet threat.

But the Texas secession petition does reveal a sad, childish, and ultimately unpatriotic rejection of the ideals for which this country is supposed to stand: There should be no glory in partisan gridlock and inflammatory, divisive rhetoric, and any American who professes to love this country should recommit to working together to heal it, not break it.

Yes, the First Amendment to our guiding document of governance allows disgruntled Texans to speak their piece, but we would all be far better served to admit we’re Americans first, and hyperbole and hatred serve no one in moving this great nation forward.

Texas, get a grip.