Vanderpump Rules Episode 5 Recap: Married Human Beings
Within two minutes of Vanderpump Rules Episode 5, a highly unpopular truth began to reveal itself: not every problem in Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney’s volatile relationship is the latter’s fault.
The episode opens with Katie and Tom landing in LA to meet with their wedding planner and survey the venue. Katie says that this is the moment she’s been most looking forward to “mostly,” Tom commences his passive-aggressive campaign to torpedo the wedding plans and any excitement that his emotionally stunted fiancee can muster toward the day. After suggesting elopement, he trudges after Katie to greet the wedding planner and awkwardly jokes that if he had his way, this wedding that Katie has waited six years for would not occur for another six. As expected, the joke does not land among the people least likely to think this is funny: someone being paid for services contingent upon his wedding going through, and the humorless Katie.
As they survey the area, Katie reiterates her excitement and Tom grumbles about the budget. Tom expresses that he likes one aspect of the venue, and Katie refutes it instantly, prompting Tom to remark that is not allowed any input. The poor wedding planner, in a desperate attempt to salvage the day, asks Tom and Katie how they met. Tom pretends to have no idea, adding, “I think we just got drunk and had sex.” Katie, predictably, is not amused. She also reveals, amid much cringing from the audience, that the theme of the wedding is “Woodsy Elegance.”
Bravo, in an attempt to underscore the unhealthiness of Katie and Tom’s relationship, jumps to a scene in which Ariana and Tom Sandoval work out at the gym together in perfect harmony. James shows up in the middle of their workout (not a big deal in and of itself, since somehow this Beverly Hills gym is almost empty) to alternatively compliment them and complain about being fired from SUR.
Lala wanders through SUR in Katie-baiting short shorts and waylays Lisa, asking if they can talk privately. Lisa, after reaffirming for the benefit of the cameras how busy she is and how little time she has for frivolous chat, follows Lala outside and wastes several precious minutes discussing once again whether or not Lala is dating a married man.
“I’m not dating a married human being,” Lala asserts, begging the question of what sort of married species is buying her that Range Rover after all. Lisa offers her standard contradictory advice, saying in the same breath that it is no one’s business who Lala is dating but that Lala needs to be honest with the others about who she is dating. In her talking head, Lala calls Lisa a mother figure, which is the Bravo kiss of death. Anytime a Bravo personality claims someone as “like a mother” or “like a sister,” their relationship begins its descent toward a fiery death.
A cringeworthy scene follows in which Tom Schwartz and his dad bod awkwardly model underwear. Tom insinuates that he is forced to accept these degrading gigs to finance his bridezilla’s outlandish wedding expectations as he shivers bare-legged in front of the camera like a hairless dog.
Back at SUR, Scheana and Katie pretend to wait tables as Lisa breezes in, only to learn that Jax is an hour and a half late. Lisa’s Jax PTSD kicks in as she remembers all the other incidents in which Jax has been tardy, and she pretends to lay down the law by instructing the manager to write him up, instructing Jax to apologize, and instructing the other bartenders not to split the tips evenly with Jax. “Hit him where it hurts,” she says of the man making five figures per Vanderpump Rules episode.
A date scene between Tom Sandoval and Ariana follows and, while these two could often be construed as smug, they are sweet together and clearly are genuinely in love. Watching these two agree on ceviche as an appetizer, discuss the commitment implicit in buying a house together, and applaud the strength of their relationship is a refreshing break from the dysfunction of the rest of the Vanderpump Rules crew.
Lala goes hiking with two other Lisa Vanderpump hires who have not appeared on the show before, but whom she describes as like her “sisters.” Lala complains to them about the other girls prying into her personal life and inquiring about her married boyfriend, then remarks that her boyfriend spoils her because of her oral skills. Lala learns about James’s firing from one of the girls, Ellie, and of course Lala’s first thought is herself and who she will talk to at work now without him. “Who’s going to sneak me drinks now that I’m working?” she laments. “Work is about to get really bad.”
Ellie casually remarks that she and James have been sexually involved long after he and his girlfriend began dating, and, as if it is a normal thing to do, produces a time-stamped photo of herself in bed with James. Ellie also reveals that James would reiterate to her mid-coitus that she meant nothing to him and that he would ruin her if she told anyone about them, which prompts the question, yet again, as to whether any of these people have any self-esteem.
The cool crowd meets up for a night out, but all is not well: Jax and Tom Sandoval begin arguing about James. Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz express concern for James’s well-being, proving once again that they may be the only two with working consciences on the show.
Kristin, in her usual inarticulate, twitching way, cheers in her talking head about James’s firing, punctuating it by flipping the camera (or James) off. In what is either poor editing or an awkward segue, or both, Scheana sidles up to Ariana and complains that Stassi, Katie, and Kristin are complaining about her smile not seeming genuine. She blames it on too much Botox. Kristin appears behind them like the villain in a scary movie and complains about her veneers hurting. Ariana tells her that she doesn’t notice the difference between Kristin’s veneers and her old teeth, adding sweetly, “And that’s a good thing.”
Kristin snaps at Ariana for defending James, and Ariana wisely reminds Kristin of her own multiple indiscretions. A fun montage of Kristin physically assaulting people follows. Kristin is indignant that Ariana would compare her to James Kennedy, but surprisingly she does not go off on Ariana. It is possible that Kristin, in spite of her delusions, has come to understand how intellectually outmatched she is where Ariana is concerned.
In the next scene, Ariana and Scheana gossip at SUR about the Ellie and James situation. Scheana, who is 31, remarks that Ellie is older than Kristin, and asks what these women in their mid-thirties are doing with James. Scheana then meets with Ellie, who is clearly desperate for a recurring role, and mocks Ellie to her face for being involved with James.
“We’re all allowed to make a mistake,” says Ellie, who is in her mid-thirties.
Scheana also grills Ellie about Lala’s boyfriend and whether or not he is married. “It just proves her character that much more that she’s a dishonest person who can’t be trusted,” Eddie Cibrian’s former mistress says of women who become involved with married men.
Katie, who is still pretending to be Lisa Vanderpump’s assistant, heads to the Porsche dealership with Tom Schwartz to check out Lisa’s potential new Porsche. Tom goes in on Katie immediately, suggesting a Porsche instead of a wedding. Katie grows increasingly upset, and Tom taunts her with reminders of Katie going to the “dark side.” Katie finally snaps and alludes to Tom’s possible impotence.
Here’s the thing. Tom knows what he’s dealing with, and he knows that Katie does not find these jokes funny…or possess much of a sense of humor. He knows exactly what he is doing when he makes these digs, goading her carefully into a tantrum and then playing the victim as she explodes in frustration. Tom knows that he did not propose to a woman with a reasonable idea about weddings and marriage, so it is disingenuous of him to now expect her to rein in her delusions.
The quintessential follower Scheana runs immediately to the popular clique to dish about Lala’s personal life. Stassi, Kristin, and Scheana allude to various “sources” who know for a fact that Lala is a kept woman and that the man’s wife only recently became aware of the situation. Kristin sums up Lala as “skank trash.”
Lala visits James to warn him about the Ellie allegations, and James discounts the incriminating photo as Photoshopped. His defense is the equivalent of “Who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?” He retaliates by making insinuations about Lala’s boyfriend. “Do I think the guy is married? Probably,” he says in his talking head, thereby exposing the thinness of their friendship. James would fit right in with the Katie-Stassi-Kristin crowd.
[Featured Image by Rainmaker Photo/Getty Images]
