Breaking News: Crunchberries not actual berries

A California judge dismissed a lawsuit brought by Janine Sugawara against PepsiCo, maker of Cap’n Crunch cereals.

Sugawara felt duped when she learned Crunchberries are in fact “brightly colored cereal balls” that merely contain strawberry fruit extract. Angered, she brought suit against the company on behalf of herself and all other consumers potentially hoodwinked by the highly ranked military officer Crunch and his deceitful band of cereal-posing-as-fruit. From Lowering the Bar:

According to the complaint, Sugawara and other consumers were misled not only by the use of the word “berries” in the name, but also by the front of the box, which features the product’s namesake, Cap’n Crunch, aggressively “thrusting a spoonful of ‘Crunchberries’ at the prospective buyer.”

Plaintiff claimed that this message was reinforced by other marketing representing the product as a “combination of Crunch biscuits and colorful red, purple, teal and green berries.” Yet in actuality, the product contained “no berries of any kind.” Plaintiff brought claims for fraud, breach of warranty, and our notorious and ever-popular California Unfair Competition Law and Consumer Legal Remedies Act.

In addition to ruling that neither crunchberries nor any similar fruit are known to exist worldwide, Judge Morrison England, Jr. noted:

The survival of the instant claim would require this Court to ignore all concepts of personal responsibility and common sense. The Court has no intention of allowing that to happen.

Frankenberry and Boo Berry were unavailable for comment at press time.