Eddie The Terrible Chihuahua: Honest Ad Says Why You Shouldn’t Adopt Him [Vid]

A shelter hopes to get you hooked on Eddie the Terrible Chihuahua, a little dog up for adoption, despite giving you the straight dope about him. And indeed, the adoption ad has a poster which expresses confidence that the human zombies will fall for “The Walking Ed” despite the brutally honest “buyer beware” disclosure policy adopted.

Are you looking to adopt a nice, lovable little Chihuahua? The Humane Society Silicon Valley, HSSV, has put up a pet adoption listing for one: 2-year-old Eddie the Terrible Chihuahua. But the listing warns that he is not the lovable wee pooch they guess you really want. Eddie is a demon on four legs, a cute little devil, an “American Horror Story.”

The small, yellow, fluffy pooch does look adorable: But false appearances are Eddie’s strategy for fooling suggestible “hoomans.” However, HSSV’s full disclosure policy constrains them to tell you the truth; the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about this deceptively adorable looking pooch. And the truth is, don’t be fooled by Eddie’s cherubic looks. He is got tons “indeed whole square miles of naughty.”

And in case you think this is humor, the listing warns that it is for real: Eddie the Terrible is indeed terrible. Don’t say you weren’t told.

The listing begins by detailing, not as you would expect, Eddie’s lovable qualities that should make you want to adopt him but qualities that should make you not want to adopt him.

“How does so much naughty exist in such a small dog?”

He might look at first glance the sort of pooch you would recommend to accompany an old lady on quiet, peaceful strolls in the park. Well, indeed, there is a chance that an old lady would enjoy a peaceful late afternoon stroll with Eddie, provided you don’t run into another dog.

The problem is that Eddie doesn’t get on well with other dogs. This translates in dog-infested cities to having Eddie on the leash 24/7 outside home.

He has never attacked another dog, the ad assures, but “he’s made it abundantly clear that he hasn’t ruled out the possibility.” At the sight of a potential canine competitor, Eddie goes from a saintly pooch with visible golden halos to a raving demonic maniac in only.05 seconds, a modest accomplishment by Eddie’s standards.

And big dog owners who scoff at the notion of a Chihuahua able to throw a significant tantrum on the leash are advised to savor their scornful smiles while they are yet to meet Eddie demonstrating his capacity for leash theatrics.

Eddie doesn’t get on well with children too, according to Finnegan Dowling, spokesperson for HSSV. He isn’t recommended for dog owners who want their children to grow up with a “full complement of fingers and toes.” If you have kids in your home and you must have a dog, HSSV says it has a whole bunch of child-loving dogs for you, but Eddie simply isn’t one of them.

“[Eddie isn’t] going to pull Timmy out of the well and befriend a bunch of pre-school kids.”

In fact, the ad doesn’t tell us anybody besides its adult owner that Eddie gets on well with. While he has never bitten anyone, the shelter won’t vouch it could never happen.

Socially, Eddie “stinks.” But being socially awkward in Silicon Valley puts you among the majority, right? Looking out for a doggy Bill Gates of the future? Think of Eddie.

And Eddy won’t take crap from you about sleeping in a crate. It’s your favorite couch, your bed, or nothing. And if you are pig-headed enough to insist on having him sleep in a crate overnight, be prepared to be treated all night to a dog’s idea of a brilliant vocal aria.

But before you pass Eddie as unadoptable, Dowling has a few last words in his favor: He is housebroken, loyal, and tireless at playing fetch. He demands interaction, but he isn’t your sycophant.

“Somewhere out there is someone whose life will be better with Eddie, someone that he’ll make laugh every day and someone whose lap he’ll keep warm. We’re going to find that person. And they’ll be so happy when we do.”

If, despite the formidable list of disadvantages, you still think you are able to provide the perfect home for Eddie the Terrible Chihuahua, find out more about him here.

But dog lovers who don’t think they are up to the challenge of adopting this tiny terrier terror are invited to look at a list of adoptable dogs on the Humane Society of Silicon Valley’s Facebook page.