Tech Lust: Florida Man Wants To Marry His Porn-Filled Apple Computer. Because Gay Marriage.

The “slippery slope” that anti-gay marriage activists have been warning us about turns out to be real, as a Florida man has triggered the downfall of Western civilization by claiming that he should be allowed to marry his porn-filled Apple computer. It’s all downhill from here, people.

Apple products are known for inspiring a strong affinity within their owners, but Florida’s Chris Sevier is arguing that he should be able to take that tech lust to a new level. The former judge advocate and combat veteran filed a motion to intervene in the case of James Domer Brenner et al., v. Rick Scott, which aims to get Florida to recognize gay marriages that are performed legally in other locales. Sevier is neither a plaintiff nor a defendant in the gay marriage case, but he wants to make sure he is heard.

In a 24-page filing, Sevier argues that gay marriage should be just the beginning, and that “other minority sexual orientation groups” should also “have the right to marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts.” The anti-gay marriage filing continues, arguing that Sevier should “have the right to marry [his] preferred sexual object.”

And just what might that “preferred sexual object” be?

Sevier’s “porn filled Apple computer.”

Okay. Wait. What? Sevier continued, explaining his… well… can you call it “reasoning?”

Recently, I purchased an Apple computer. The computer was sold to me without filters to block out pornography. I was not provided with any warning by Apple that pornography was highly addictive and could alter my reward cycle by the manufacturer. Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women. Naturally, I ‘fell in love’ with my computer and preferred having sex with it over all other persons or things, as a result of classic conditioning upon orgasm.

Sevier’s anti-gay marriage argument is in keeping with much of the argument from marriage traditionalists… except for the part about wanting to marry a porn filled computer, that is. In court cases and protests and pulpits, anti-gay marriage voices have warned us again and again that allowing same-sex couples to marry – “redefining marriage,” some call it – would open the path for all number of degenerates and ne’er-do-wells to further sully the bonds of matrimony. Gays are allowed to marry in 17 states, and proponents of marriage equality point to those states as evidence that two grooms does not spell doom for society. Or, at least, they did point to them before the dark omen of Sevier’s tech lust.

Gay marriage activists are sure to take issue with Sevier’s characterization of gay people as “objects” instead of, you know, autonomous individuals simply trying to express their love. Just how much they need to get up in arms, though, is up for debate. The judge presiding over the Florida case disallowed Sevier’s motion, wondering whether it was simply satirical or “removed from reality.”

“Either way,” the judge wrote, “the motion has no place in this lawsuit.”

As the New Times Broward-Palm Beach points out, it appears this isn’t Sevier’s first time trying to tweak the legal proceedings surrounding gay marriage. A Chris Sevier sued A&E for firing Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson after Robertson’s own anti-gay views became public. A man with the same name also entered a 50-page motion claiming that he was there to make the court “put up or shut up” on gay marriage.