Philadelphia ‘Cheese Pervert’ Needs Swiss Cheese To Orgasm, Kraft Cheese Spread Doesn’t Work

A man in his 40s has been cruising the Mayfair area exposing his genitals and asking women to help him to orgasm using a large slice of Swiss Cheese.

The media have dubbed him the “Swiss Cheese Pervert” because he offers to pay women to perform a variety of sexual acts on him using the cheese.

Mayfair Town Watch has warned of the man – and his unusual requests – using its Facebook page. Philadelphia Police say that the Special Victims Unit is investigating the strange case.

Milt Martelack, the town watch’s senior adviser, told the Philadelphia Daily News: “I understand that people may think this is funny, but this is no laughing matter. We’ve had a couple individuals reach out to us. We’re taking this matter very seriously, and we’re working vigorously with police to get this guy off the streets.”

The so called “Swiss Cheese Pervert” is described as being heavyset, white, and drives a silver or black sedan. While this bizarre case shocked many, Gabby Chest, who lives in Bridesburg, was not surprised, and recognized the fetish immediately.

She says that 4 years ago, when she was 19, she created a profile on the dating site OkCupid. Within days she was approached by “really strange guy” with a very specific request. She added:

“He said he was looking for someone to perform masturbation on him with cheese. He kept saying how strong his urges were and how desperate he was to find someone to help him with them. There’s no doubt it was him; it looked exactly like the picture on his profile. I was scared and shocked. I never thought the guys you see on those sites would be so close to me.”

The man – who referred to himself as “Chris” – explained he always struggled to find women and start relationships because he was overweight and not so good looking. He wrote to her: “So I developed this fetish to help me deal with my sexual urges. I found that women tend to like dairy products, and settled on cheese to represent the girl. Thus I started having sex with cheese.”

Another woman also received a message from “Chris” on OKCupid four years ago, which was even more disturbing. It said:

“I love the way Swiss cheese feels against my penis. Either as slices of Swiss cheese being wrapped around my penis or a chunk of Swiss cheese being rubbed against my penis. I love even more when a woman uses the Swiss cheese to pleasure me. Or simply wraps Swiss cheese slices around my penis and allows me to hang out with her as I wear the cheese.”

Chis has explained his fetish in more detail: “I tried many different kinds of cheese, like American, Provolone, chez whiz, jack, and cheddar, but settled on Swiss as the best. First and foremost, if ever a picture of cheese is used, most of the time they use a representation of Swiss cheese. But also because of it’s eye patterns, texture, and the way it feels against my penis.”

He added that when he was younger he had far more stamina for cheese sex.

“I was able to wrap and wear a good 1 ½ pounds of Swiss cheese against my penis, and wear the Swiss cheese for hours at a time, before I would climax from just having the Swiss cheese on my penis.

I do not like cheese, except for mozzarella, and that is the one cheese I have never used on myself – So, no, I do not eat the cheese after I am done using it for pleasure, it is discarded. I am always asked that question.”

Chris prefers having sex with cheese over traditional sex and, looking on the bright side, says “I am lucky I never became a rapist.” Given that all this took place in

Philadelphia, it’s probably just as well that he didn’t find cream cheese suitable for his purposes.

The Kraft company must have breathed a corporate sigh of relief that their product would not provide material for countless stand-up comedians in the future.