Is Polyamory The New Same-Sex Marriage?

The subject of polyamory is having a bit of a cultural tipping point, with several soft entry points in media slowly adding the open practice of what the polyamorous call “consensual non-monogamy” penetrating the pop-culture bubble after decades “in the closet.”

Polyamory used to be a little-understood subject, but a series this month on Slate.com as well as a Showtime show, Polyamory: Married And Dating, returning to the airwaves this summer have shed light on a once nearly taboo subject.

The idea of not only tolerating but encouraging what we’ve been socialized to see as the worst possible betrayal of a partner is certainly jarring — even if a committed relationship survives what we see as “infidelity,” it’s considered one of the literal worst things an adult human can endure in their lives.

Over on Slate, a September post titled “Why I’m Still in the Polyamory Closet” examined not only the myriad legal and social issues facing the consensually non-monogamous, but also the prospect of legally recognized polyamorous commitment.

The issue is a sticky one, threatening not only to create a ton of legal and societal quandaries, but also — if we’re being honest, if someone curmudgeonly — undermine the shaky and tenuous gains made by the marriage equality movement. After all, didn’t opponents of same-sex marriage loudly predict that “polygamy” would soon follow, with men seeking to marry multiple wives once the institution of marriage was “destroyed” by extending the rights to our gay brothers and sisters?

Writer “Michael Carey,” a pseudonym, touches on the issues faced by polyamorous couples and families contrasted with that of gay ones in his earlier piece, explaining:

“Although reliable figures are hard to come by, it’s likely that the majority of consensually non-monogamous couples in the United States are heterosexual.** These days, you know who your gay neighbors are—gay people no longer have to seek out loveless heterosexual relationships to hide behind, or move in together but pretend to be roommates. Meanwhile, you don’t know if your neighbors are poly (or whatever other term they may use), because they’re still afraid that if they don’t hide that aspect of their lives from you, something bad might happen. Those potential consequences range from having all future interactions feel awkward to having authorities take away their children.”

Carey followed up this month with a companion piece, addressing whether polyamory or a non-monogamous nature was a choice or an orientation, much like being gay.

A second rumination on the possible effects of polyamory, and even its entrance into the legal fray, appeared on Yahoo today.

In it writer Mona Charen, a staunch conservative and opponent of marriage equality, posits that the question is nearly moot, in so much as we’ve already begun to deconstruct marriage on many levels:

“It’s indisputable that traditional marriage was in crisis before the gay marriage movement began. The behavior of heterosexuals accomplished that. But as the Carey essay demonstrates, the gay marriage movement had done a different kind of damage by undermining our understanding of what marriage is.”

Charen’s view echoes a statement she made earlier this year about marriage equality, when she said:

“What we do know is that traditional families featuring the lifelong, exclusive commitment of husband and wife are best for children and for society. Gays and lesbians are not responsible for the mess that our culture has made of family life. But perhaps they can understand that resisting its further redefinition is not bigotry but prudence.”

It seems polyamory is destined to present a redux of the same-sex marriage debate, and will shape up to be the same exhausting fight. But at the end of the day, are we arguing about whether to admit and accept a long-practiced thing, and does legal recognition make any change in how people choose to live their lives going forward?