Quaker denies retirement of Cap’n Crunch, also denies planting rumor

A bit of panic broke out last night when word began to circulate that beloved sugary breakfast treat Cap’n Crunch might be sailing off into the retired cereal sunset, along with our beloved Ice Cream Cones cereal and the original, far superior S’mores Crunch cereal. (Whyyyyyyyyy, General Mills?)

No less than ten handwringing posts appeared in my Facebook feed, and Fox News, I’m not even kidding, blamed the First Lady and her socialist plan to redistribute our hard-earned cookies as a possible reason for the Cap’n’s dishonorable discharge. Before unrest broke out on a wider scale, however, Quaker stepped in to allay fears that Crunchberry harvesters would soon be joining the ranks of the unemployed during the Great Recession:

“Reports of Cap’n Crunch’s demise are greatly exaggerated,” Quaker said in a statement to Ad Age. “In fact, we just launched an official Facebook page for Cap’n Crunch. Now that our Cap’n Crunch brand is in the social-media space, our adult consumers can stay up to date on all things Cap’n Crunch.”

Reps for His Crunchiness also denied that the rumor was part of any strategy related to their new social media push for the veteran brand.