The 9 top Oscar moments, in case you missed it

The Oscars are long, and although people across the world watch it, even the attendees are bored to tears. (Did you see George Clooney?)

If you missed Hollywood’s biggest night of self-adoration all year, here’s a handy crib sheet for the most notable moment’s from last night’s show.

1. George Clooney was a bitch all night.Homeboy picked up a bag of swag that probably cost thousands of dollars and included like, trips to Africa and shit, but every time the camera panned toward him he made a point of letting America know he would much rather be at his Italian villa, draped in supermodels and making faces at paparazzi.
2. Some old white lady pulled a Kanye West on Roger Ross Williams. Seriously, apparently there was a New York Times article about how this dude struggled over writing a potential acceptance speech, he goes and wins and three words in, this woman called Elinor Burkett crashed it. The whole debacle was really sad, and rumor has it the lady was kind of ousted from the movie early on for being the kind of person who would do such a thing.
3. Jeff Bridges won, Gabby Sidibe didn’t. Sandra Bullock won, Morgan Freeman didn’t. A whole lot of other people won Oscars, you should look at our liveblog if you want a complete rundown of the wins and losses. Also, Jeff Bridges is apparently a stand-up dude that’s been with his wife for 35 years. Bless.
4. James Cameron’s ego was finally dashed– spetacularly. His ex-wife beat his ass for Best Director and Best Movie. And ex-wives everywhere felt ever so slightly better.
5. Oscar mourned 2009’s dead, with the notable exception of Farrah Fawcett. Twitter didn’t forget. Whoops!
6. Dolphins are sadder than migrant kids and other sad things. A film called “The Cove” won Best Documentary and now everyone wants to know about dolphins.
7. If you’re in New York, you missed the first thirteen minutes. But you didn’t miss much. It was awkward and even Alec Baldwin’s sweet, sweet voice didn’t redeem it much. Plus, Cablevision and whoever they were fighting with worked their shit out just as soon as you taught your mom how to watch a live feed of something on the internet.
8. The kids from “The Breakfast Club” got really old and it was kind of sad. Everyone misses John Hughes marginally more than all the rest of the dead people.
9. Famous people use big words. No one watching knew what “equanimity” or “towhead” means, going by Google searches during and after the show. Read a book, people. I recommend “Push” by someone named Sapphire. Really tugs the old heartstrings.

That’s pretty much everything you need to know, if you hear all the chit chat in your cube and have no idea what happened. You’re welcome.